Apathetic. 

What is really on my mind is unfortunately on backorder to the world.

Being the one who makes everyone happy is the hardest job I never applied for.  Everyday, 24 hours a day I am on call like a doctor ready to prescribe positive thinking that would tow any personality type from a rut.  I have always loved feeling needed.  I find unexplainable pleasure in helping those people who rely on me to be their rock.

So often, I’m forced to think of myself as the perpetual rock that is laying on the surface of the water.  The rock that gets green and slimy when the sun doesn’t hit it often because it is tucked into a dark corner in the shade under a tree, the rock that people avoid when they wade through the currents as to not slip and fall.

I simply wish to be the rock that the sun shines upon. 

Imagine.

A real message, written with real ink.

Real uncensored, unabbreviated emotions. 

I need to feel something real.

“I can’t believe I am shopping in a store like this!”  ~Random Person     

“Ma’am, I work in a store like this.  I’m standing right here. I can hear you.”  ~Me

Imagine me screaming the following words alone in my room in front of the computer as I pace in circles until I finally scream, throw my hands in the air and flop down on the floor Indian style:

Really? Nothing? You have nothing to say? Really? Are you really that useless? Are you that verbally crippled? Nothing? One year and nothing? One year!!! One year of my precious life gone in result of being brutally honest for one day.  One year may be nothing to you because you have no idea how to move forward but one year is a lifetime to me.  All of my listening to your pity parties and feeling sorry for you and caressing your ego so that your simple life would not be so horrible and YOU SAY NOTHING!  All of my pretending to understand how hard your delusional existence is in this unforgiving world and you say NOTHING! Nice.  NICE!

So here I sit, Indian style on my floor, my arms crossed, my bottom lip sticking out, my dog sitting in front of my starring in disbelief.  I release a huge sigh, look over at my sketchpad and wonder if I can create an image of myself with my hands around your throat shaking sense into you.  I know that is the only way you will understand.  I have to draw it in elementary form instead of using real words.  At that moment I realize, I do not want someone who cannot understand my overthought words nor has the balls to respond somehow…..when quietly my phone vibrates the words, “I hope you have a good day.”

Really?

I give up. Where’s my red lipstick? I’m getting out.

Rule Number Five: Say what you need to say. If you have a question, ask it.

Many ideas, thoughts and expressions travel through my mind on a regular basis. Some of those thoughts are very profound, raw, and emotional. I believe that I spend too much time filtering through those ideas trying to decide what, if anything, that I need to share with the world and the people in my life.

This rule originates from my encouragement to others to say what you need to say. Express what you need to express. If you have a question, ask it. You always deserve an answer even if it is not the answer you desire. I have always been an advocate for people who have ideas or emotions and don’t have the strength to share them with anyone. I believe it is so important to share your thoughts with others. Especially in a situation when a thought revolves around someone. Sharing what you are thinking is only fair to that person because otherwise, how do they know? I, for one, will admit that I am not a mind reader, nor do I expect anyone else to be.

Now, time to explore the reasons why we are all so scared to talk to one another…

Trust? Do we not trust the people in our lives with our thoughts and emotions? Why do we have people in our lives that we can’t share ourselves with?

Hurt? Have you ever shared a thought or real emotion with someone just to have them turn their back and walk away? Do we always get the positive response that we want? No. We don’t. People will walk away. Does that mean we should give one person the power to corner us into our own minds and hearts? Think about it. Is it fair to the people around us who do truly care and will not walk away to not get to know or feel who you really are and what is in your heart?

Fear? What will the other person’s response be? Now, ask yourself. Am I being fair and true to myself if I always tiptoe around other’s responses? How long are we supposed to hold something inside before it becomes a feeling of the past and we begin to wonder what would have happened if I had said what I wanted?

Disapproval? If we say what we are really thinking, will my words change what someone thinks of me? I will feel weak if I admit true emotion. Will someone think I am the same person once I have become human?

Disappointment? No-one wants to feel this.

I will honestly say that I don’t follow my own rule for all of the above reasons. My mind and heart are consumed with lack of trust, hurt, fear, disapproval and disappointment. What I do know is that the few times that I trusted someone enough to say what I wanted and needed to say, felt good and I didn’t get the response I wanted any of those times. The thing is, I didn’t have to think about it anymore. I buried it. Those thoughts no longer consumed me. Releasing those thoughts and feelings to their rightful owners was so refreshing. I was able to let it go, whatever it was and it cleared room for better thoughts, more sincere friendships and stronger relationships. The added bonus lies in that is how you find out who the real people are in your life. The people who will let you tell them the truth about your mind, heart and soul and even if they disagree, they still accept you. They truly are the only people that you need.

You may ask when I plan on beginning to fully follow my own rule. I can’t answer that truthfully. What I can admit is this…I am learning alot every day of my life about the people around me and with each day I grow stronger and begin to understand the beats of my heart and the thoughts in my mind. Soon I will be ready to share them with the world. When I do, I will be ready for the truthful responses and I will accept them with an open heart and mind. I would never want to be the person who corners someone into themselves. That’s just not me. The advice I so often give to people…

Be true to yourself. Say it, scream it, type it, text it….you deserve freedom from your words. One day, after I convince all of you, I will convince myself, too.